i just cut for the first time in months and it’s scaring me how i don’t even feel bad about it. it scares me how i pulled the same shit i did in high school. the same shit i thought i outgrew. and it scares me even more that rather than being disappointed in myself, im letting myself feel good after doing it. it sucks so much but i refuse to talk to anyone about what’s going on, because i refuse to open up to any more people. so then i let all this shit build up in my head and its just been piling higher and higher until tonight and i couldn’t take it anymore. i hate myself for loving anyone, i hate that i believed i could make things work. i hate that i always believe i can pick up the broken pieces of someone without getting cut on the sharp edges in the process. how dare i even go about trying to help someone else when my own mentality is a mess. how dare i believe anything positive could come out of giving my all to someone. i give up, i really do. all i want is to shut myself off from the world and avoid ever feeling this way again. i really believed in us, with all my heart. i thought you were different, i thought for once i was doing something good for myself. i did everything i was supposed to in the relationship. i was faithful, something that was new to me. i worked on bettering myself so i could put into the relationship everything you were putting into it. i wanted to give you the love you deserve, i wanted everything to go smoothly. i thought if i did everything a good girlfriend was supposed to do, everything would follow. i gave everything to you, i would’ve died for you. i tried so hard to help you and stand by you and hold your hand while you grew. i wanted to fix your broken mentality, i wanted to show you how much you meant to me. i don’t know where i went wrong, but i would do anything to go back to June when you finally told me you loved me. when you cried in my arms and told me you loved me so much, and it was so scary, and i promised i would never take advantage of those feelings. i kept my promise. what did you do? you fucking broke me when i thought i had finally been pieced back together.